Star Something Episode I: The fan: Tom, and the man: Ace

The whole Jar Jar Binks concept in my last re-write sort of inspired me to do this one. Only this time there are more Star Wars characters and the re-write actually has something to do with Star Wars. And I love that title!

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Spaceship flies towards space sation. Two guys in tight leather jump suits come out and are taken to their honeymoon funkadelic room.

Obi-Wan: I sense something...elusive. Mysterious. Dead sexy...
Qui-Gon: Obi, sweetheart, keep your mind here and now where it belongs. With me, baby.
Obi: Yes, master.

Somewhere else, Viceroy Tom is talking with his idol, Queen Amildalala.

Tom: I'm your biggest fan! I love all your music! My favourite song is "Funk to the Naboo Shizz!"
Amidalala: Kid, you're green, you look like a deformed frog, and you're the biggest whiner in the entire galaxy. You scare me.
Tom: Oh...please sign an autograph for me! Sign right across my hairy chest!
Amidalala: No! I will not sign the autograph!
TC-14: Sire! The ambassadors are Jedi's!
Tom: WHAT?! Seal all the doors! Do not let them escape! And as for you, Amidalala! You WILL sign an autograph! But later! I must take care of these Jedi! I need Droid-e-cars up here at once! The Mercedes Benz ones!

Gas starts to fill the honeymoon room.

Obi: Master! Love gas! Do they not know that we are already lovers?!
Qui: I guess not. Let us ignite our whip-sabers!
BZZZZZZZZZZZ-*wha-shpi (*Supposedly sound of whip)
Droid#1: Get them.
Droid#2: Okay.
Droid#3: It's clobberin' time!
Droid#4: SPOOOOOOOOOOOON!
Droid#5: Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai! (Xena battle cry)
Obi: My spider sense is tingling!
Qui: Ribbit!

A great battle goes on. The Mercedes Benz Droid-e-cars do their thang. Obi and Qui go up the ventilation shaft. They go on some ships. They go down to Naboo. Qui meets Jar Jar...

Jar Jar: Meesa called Jar Jar Binks!
Qui: Meesa wanna make sweet love to you!
Jar Jar: Okie day!
Obi: Qui-Gon! I found you! Let's go to the Gungan city and get some transportation from Boss Nass and go through the planet core and end up in Theed!
George Lucas: How did you know all that?
Obi: Hey, don't complain. You're the one who gave the Jedi the power of seeing the future.

So everything that Obi-Wan said happeend and they ended up in Theed.

Tom: You must sign my autograph or I will destroy your planet!
Guy: Do not sign it! It is a trap!
Amidalala: Well duh. Idiot.
Obi: I'll save you! WHEEEEEEE!
Captain Panaka: The hangar is over there!
Qui: I'm sorry, were we talking to you?
Panaka: No, sir. I'll shut up.
Qui: We want to go to Coruscant.
Droid: Ummm...uhh...durr...hehehe....blebleblebleh...whowhowhowhowho! That does not compute! Kill them!

A battle goes on again and they get on the ship and fly away. They then crash land on Tatooine due to poor piloting skills by Qui-Gon.

Padme: You're such a weiner!
Anakin: I'm a person! And my name is Anakin! Hit the nose! May-kassa moo-fassa! Yippie! You can stay at my house if there's ever a sand storm!
Qui: Republican credits will do fine.
Watto: NO, they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: Yes they will.
Watto: No they won't!
Qui: FINE! BE THAT WAY! We're gonna go chill at Anakin's house now. Peace out, mutha fuckas.

Anakin: You're a Jedi!
Qui: So freakin' what.
Shmi: I thought Jedi's were nice people.
Qui: And I thought women were hot until YOU came along!
Padme: You suck, Qui-Gon. Feminists forever!
Anakin: ...you're all doing grown-up talk, so I'll change the subject. I can win a podrace so you can get the money for the T-14 hyperdrive generator.
Jar Jar: Okie day!

Head#1: Here is Jabba!
Jabba: Booja booja woonta yamma!
Head#2: Let the race begin!
BONG! Race begins.
Duel of the Fates plays
Anakin: I won! Sucks to you all who lost!
Qui: Gimme money! Gimme hyperdrive!

Later on their way back to the ship...

Qui: Anakin! Think fast!
Anakin: ...Wha...? *BONK!* (Darth Ace's speeder bikes hits him)
A big battle goes on between Qui-Gon and Darth Ace. Qui-Gon jumps onto the ship.
Qui: Anakin Skywalker, meet my gay lover; Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Anakin: You're cute...

Coruscant. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan go to the Jedi counsel(sp?). Amidalala dukes out Chancellor Valorum with a KO vote of no confidence....?

Yoda: What the hell do you want, pimp?
Mace Windu: Yee-ah. We be smokin' up an you be coming' in here takin' us out. So what up?
Qui: There's a new Sith, G.
Mace: We will draw out the queens attacker fo you, humpy mo-G.
Qui: a-ight.
Mace: *starts drawing picures* Does he look like this?
Qui: No.
Mace: This?
Qui: No.
Mace: This?
Qui: No.
Mace: This?
Qui: No.
Mace: This?
Qui: No.
Mace: This?
Qui: No.
Mace: This?
Qui: No.

A few hours pass

Mace: This?
Qui: No. You're a master Jedi! Just look through my mind and check him out, man!
Mace: Oh, yeah! I'm such a foo'!
Yoda: The Force be weakenin' in dis biatch.
Qui: I also want dis li'l pimp tested out, yo. I think he be the one that will bring balance to the mutha fuckin force.
Mace: Bring him in. We'll see if he will be initiated into our club.

Later in the Queen's room...

Tom: Sign it!
Amidalala: No!
Tom: But in 10 years it will be a collectors item!
Amidalala: ...Fine...but only if you'll give me oral sex.
Ummm...they then find it impossible to have oral sex because Tom doesn't know what that is. Skip to next scene, please.

Darth Sidious: You did not kill him?!
Darth Ace: No master. I am homophobic, and the gay is strong with him.
Sidious: Imbicile! Go kill him!
Ace: But I'm tired!
Sidious: I don't care! You don't get any dinner until you kill him! And you're grounded too!
Ace: But I came home by curfew!
Sidious: I don't care! No soup for you!
Ace: Fine. I hate you! I wish I was never born! *runs upstairs crying*

Amidalala: We must go back to Naboo.
Jar Jar: OKie day.
Qui: Watch me and be mindful.
Obi: Who are you talking to, master?
Anakin: He's talking to me, dumbass!
Obi: BZZZZZZZZZ-shpi! You wanna go, bubba?
Anakin: I'm a person, and my name is Anakin! *pulls out an oil gun*
The two fight for a while, then fight some more on the ship ride back to Naboo.

Boss Nass: WHAT?! Yousa wants us to help yousa?
Amidalala: Oui, M. Gros stupide fille.
Boss Nass: ...Brubrubrubrubrubrubru! Weesa will help yousa!
Anakin: They're coming!
Obi: I think I'm coming too! Oh Qui-Gon! Oh Qui-Gon!
Qui: Give it to be, baby! Give it to me HARD!
Amidalala: ...yes...prepare for the attack!
The Gungans go out to the game board to do battle with the droids. Chess was the Gungan way of battle. The queen and the Jedi go inside the castle to get Fanboy/Viceroy Tom.
Qui: Anakin, stay in the cockpit.
Anakin: Eeeeew. You're so dirty.
Obi: I know, he's so dirty! Isn't it HOT?
Anakin: ...
Doors fly open and Darth Ace is standing there, ready to kill the Jedi. Duel of the fates starts playing

*(I'm actually listening to Duel of the Fates as I type this!)

Amidalala: We'll go the other way.
Qui, Obi: BZZZZZZZZZZZ-shpi
Ace: I WILL kill you! I WILL get my dinner!
Qui, Obi: ...?
They start battling. The queen makes to to Fanboy Tom's room and quickly dispose of all his Britney Spears posters. Amidalala and Britney were rivals.
Amidalala: Now, Tom, we will discuss a new autograph.
Panaka: Was this part of the plan?

ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP BOOM BOOM BOOM CLASH CLASH CLASH!

*STAB!*
Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...*gasp for air*...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ace: ...? Now it's your turn, chikey!
Obi: Shut up! That was Qui-Gon's pet name for me! DIE!
ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP BOOM BOOM BOOM CLASH CLASH CLASH!

Anakin takes a ship and destroys the control station. The droids stop working, therefore forfeiting the chess game. Obi-Wan kills Darth Ace. Amidalala makes Fanboy Tom sign the new autograph...whatever that was.

Everyone is standing around Qui-Gon looking happy like the family of "Full House."
Qui-Gon: Kids, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this. Never do drugs. You see what happens when directors do drugs? They come up with crummy scripts like this. So don't do drugs and stay in school.

BEGIN END CREDITS:
Sorry. NO end credits available at the time.