King of the Rings

JRR Tolkien is gonna kill me if he sees this... Vince McMahon might like it. 
Homosexual humour is based on theories surrounding Sam and Frodo's relationship.
Rated: R

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Narrator: 3000 years ago, 15 wrestling rings were created. 9 went to the WWF, 3 went to the WCW, and 2 went to the NWO. The last ring was the result of the evil champion 'The Rock'. Jealous of everyone else having a ring (and him only with a belt) he went to the mountain of Mountains and created the last ring. The ring that was more powerful than all the other rings put together. The one ring that could rule them all! Mwahahaha!

Fearing The Rock, all the wrestlers from all over the world formed an army of sweaty, grunting men with bad acting skills. They fought for days and nights, but could not defeat The Rock. They smelled what The Rock was cooking, and it didn't smell good. It was poison! But finally, Vince McMahon's son, Shane, challenged him in Wrestlemania. It was a bloody fight, but Shane managed to pound The Rock with a ladder until he died. And so the ring was now his, but as time passed it slowly corrupted his body. No more could his body endure the daily steroids injections, so he committed suicide, but after he threw the ring into the ocean.

The ring floated for years, never to be fought on again. Luckily, a small creature named Gollum found it. He was an oldschool wrestling fanatic. 'My precious' is what he called it. Yes, he fell madly in love with it. He had hot, unprotected sex with it. He touched it in places it shouldn't be touched. For years he did this, but his reign as King of the Ring would soon end, when a young, hip wrestler named Bilbo Baggins discovered the ring and challenged Gollum to a match.

"You, Mr. Gollum, have had that ring long enough! You might be the King of the Ring, but you became it without fighting for the title!" said Bilbo Baggins. "I can take you any time, any day!"

Commentator: Whoa! What's this?! Is Bilbo challenging Gollum for the title?!
Commentator #2: Shut up.

"So I'll see you! I'll see you at Summer Slam! And we'll settle this at the steel cage match!" said Bilbo as he walked away with brigh lights shining, big explosions and his theme song playing. He struck a pose with his fingers in the air, and huge explosions of fire emerged.
Oddly enough, Summer Slam was just the next day. The two fighters did their entrances, blah blah blah. They do their rehersed skit, then take off everything except their underwear. Then they fight. The started with some punching and kicking, and as every pro wrestling match goes, they take turns at dominating the fight until one gets too tired. Bilbo beats up Gollum for a few minutes, Gollum beats up Bilbo for a few minutes, and repeat. They must have learned this from the Teletubbies! Then they took the steel chairs and started "hitting" each other on the head. Bang, bang, bang, yet they can still get up and walk properly. They do the same with the ladders and the trash cans and the tables. Bilbo ends up winning, yadda yada.

60 years pass, Bilbo still holds the title as King of the Ring, and is about to have his 111th birthday....

Frodo: Look! It's Gandalf! Let's go give him a big gay hug!
Gandalf: Whoa there, Frodo! I'm not quite as gay as you yet! Maybe your friend Sam would like a hug. But for now, I must visit your uncle Bilbo. He and I have some "things" to "discuss."
Frodo: Ooh, you so sly Gandlaf! Spank that monkey!

Gandalf rides over to the Wrestling stadium, Bilbo's house.

Gandalf: Happy birthday! Oof! I ran into the lights! Oof! I ran into the wall! Oof! I ran into your crotch...
Bilbo: OH Gandalf, you're such a joker. *strokes Gandalf's head*
Gandalf: Yes, now let's get this party started!

They all dance and sing. Some Hobbits even get laid.

Sam: (From inside a tent) Hoo-yeah! Ride me, baby! Ride me!
Frodo: Saaaaaaaaam! I can't go any faster than this! Let me slow down!
Sam: Shut up! You mah bitch! You do what I say!

Meanwhile, outside...

Bilbo: Attention everyone! I have an announcement to make!
Hobbit #1: He's going to say he went straight!
Hobbit #2: Blasphemer! Get out of our town!
Bilbo: That's exactly what I was going to do! See ya! *disappears*
Hobbit #3: Good riddance. He never gave good oral anyways.

Back in Bilbo's house...

Bilbo: Finally, now I can look at some nekkid women. I ain't gay like them anymore.
Gandalf: Don't try to deny the fact that you're gay, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Whoa! You scared me, Gandalf! You should knock.
Gandalf: Oh, I DID knock...hehe, I knocked her up good...
Bilbo:...Right. I suppose you want me to give up my ring?
Gandalf: Why yes. It is an evil ring and will posses you and eat you if you don't give it to Frodo!
Bilbo: Bullshit! It is MINE!
Gandalf: Don't make me spank you again, Bilbo. Give it up.
Bilbo: Fine. I'm leaving now. Time for Tele-bye bye!
Gandalf: The ring, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Oh fiddlesticks! Fine! Take it!

The ring amazingly popped out of his pocket! It grew until it was a full sized wrestling ring.

Gandalf: Look! Here comes Frodo! Goodbye Bilbo!
Bilbo: What? That's it? You don't care about me anymore?
Gandalf: Why the hell should I? I only want sex with the guy who owns the ring!
Bilbo: BAH!
Frodo: What's with the old dude?
Gandalf: I dunno. He's getting all pissy over some ring.
Frodo: Oh, you mean this one? *picks it up*
Gandalf: Yeah. You're pretty strong t be able to pick that up.
Frodo: Indeed, I am.
Gandalf: Why are we being so normal?
Frodo: I dunno. Maybe the pixie dust is wearing off.
Gandalf: Oh, I see now. Thanks for informing me.
Frodo: No problem.
Sam: I heard everything! I know your plans! I was just supposed to be cutting the grass but instead I eavesdropped! I'm such a criminal...Ehehe.
Frodo: We're not at that part yet, stupid.
Sam: Well, then let's skip to it. It'll sound weird if I say that, then you say your lines, then there's a long pause because I already said the next line before it was supposed to be said.
Gandalf: Why is Sam trying to act all smart now?
Frodo: No pixie dust, remember?
Gandalf: Ah, yes. Anyway, blah blah blah blah blah and I'll meet you at the pub.
Frodo: Got it, Gandlaf. So Sam and I will walk to a pub that's 500 miles away from home even though we can take a plane.
Gandalf: That's right.
Frodo: Okay then. How about one last smoke before we part?
Gandalf: Already ahead of you. *puff*
Frodo: Dat's da shit.
Sam: Why am I not allowed to have a real smoke?
Frodo: Just shut up and blow those bubbles.
Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo.

And so they begin their perilous journey across the Shire, and eventually out of the Shire. They end up in Springfield at "Moe's" and meet Strider. No, not Strider Hiryu from the video games. Strider the Ranger! No, not Power Ranger. Strider the Ranger! I think that sexy Sean Bean plays him. Yeah. He's so full of British goodness. Mmmmm.

Strider: Aye, I be helpin you out.
Frodo: In bed?
Strider: I'll save you from those Black Riders.
Sam: While in bed?
Strider: Yes, MOTHER...jeez.

And so they ran from the Black Riders.
See Frodo. See Frodo run. Run, Frodo, run.
See Sam. See Sam follow Frodo. Follow Frodo, Sam, follow Frodo.
See Strider. See Strider kick some ass. Kick some ass, Strider, kick some ass.

Frodo: This cave we're hiding in is erotic.
Sam: Remember that porno we rented with Jenna Jameson?
Frodo: Yeah.
Sam: This is where it was shot!
Frodo: Hey, you're right! Over there was where she started getting naked!
Strider: And that's where she had the orgy!
Sam: That window! That's where the 20 other guys came in to gang bang her!
Frodo: Now I can tell all my friends that I was where they shot "Sex in the Shire!"
Strider: Oh man, I'm getting so horny...let's go to the top of the cave and get attacked by the Black Riders.
Sam: Yeah. This story lacks action.

They climb to the top and meet the Black Riders.

Rider1: Die, die, die, die...
Rider2: Kill, kill, kill, kill...
Rider3: *drops his sword on his foot* Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Rider4: Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...
Rider5: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...all of you.
Riders 1-4: Fine, fine, fine, fine...

Frodo: Oh no! What do we do?!
Strider: Get into the ring! We'll have a threeway tag-team match!
Sam: Sweet as cotton candy!
Frodo: Shizzat!
Strider: Huzzah!

And so they fight, WWF style. Fake kicks here, fake punches there! All the sweaty, half-naked Hobbits you can handle! (Yes, two is a lot to handle.) Of course the good guys come out victorious, the the bad guys haven't been defeated for good yet. Meanwhile, Gandalf gets sidetracked at Saruman's crib...

Gandalf: 'Sup, Saruman? I be down in yo crib now.
Sarumam: Yo, g-dawg. Down in da hood.
Gandalf: Y'all hear about da ring?
Saruman: Bling bling, brotha! Holla.
Gandalf: So you be helpin' us destroy it, wigga?
Saruman: Fo shizzle ma nizzle izzle bizzle in da hizzouse.
Gandalf: Yo guy!
Saruman: I be joshin' yo ass, dude.
Gandalf: Fuck, man! Raise ya dukes.
Saruman: Oldschool!

They're powerful invisible force thingies get all charged up or something, and BOOM! The fireworks begin! Gandalf moves to the left. Saruman catches up to him. Gandalf takes a swing! Ooooh! He misses! Saruman swings back! He got him! Gandalf has been knocked into another dimension!

Saruman: I claim mah belt an' I claim mah title. CHAMPION, sucka.
Gandalf: Oldschool...*passes out*

Meanwhile...

Frodo: Owie, owie, owie!
Sam: Sit still, silly!
Strider: I told you he's never did it anally! It hurts during your first time! Take it easy!
Arwin: Here Sam, do it to me. I'm used to doing it with Aragorn.
Sam: Where'd you come from?
I'm supposed to be filming a porno with Jenna Jameson, but her and the crew haven't shown up yet. I guess I'll tag along with you guys.
Strider: Sweet, cause I'm not really gay, and I'm REALLY horny.
Arwin: I ain't doing it with you. Rumour says that you have some kinda STD.
Strider: I'm gonna kill whoever started that!
Arwin: *whistles and looks away* It wasn't me...
Frodo: Whatever. Let's get me some help. My bum hurts and the Black Rider are coming again.

Arwin leads the Black Riders to a river where they all drown. Yes. They drown in water that is lower than the height of a baby Hobbit.

They then end up at that Elf place. Oh yeah, it's called Hyrule.

Link: Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!
Zelda: I didn't say anything...
Link: Kiss me, Princess!
Zelda: I get it now. Kissing my ass has gotten boring, now you want to kiss my lips.
Link: Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess.

Arwin: Don't mind my incestuous cousins.
Sam: And don't mind me wanking to this nude picture of you.
Frodo: Heal me!
Arwin: B-bam! B-bam! Kick it up another notch!
Frodo: I'm healed!
Bilbo: Frodo!
Frodo: Bilbo?
Bilbo: Frodo!
Frodo: ...Bilbo!
Sam: Bilbo!
Bilbo: Sam!
Sam: Bilbo?
Bilbo: Sam...
Frodo: Shut up...
Sam & Bilbo: Frodo!
Frodo: Sorry...

After that, everyone somehow ended up at that place with the table in the middle. Why the hell is there a table there if the chairs are so far away from it? It's can't be a poker table, it can't be a dinner table. It would be pointless for them to make it just to put a ring on it. Oh well...only Peter Jackson knows.

Frodo: I'll destroy the ring!
Gimli: Take my ax!
Legolas: Rub my bow.
Aragorn: Hump my sword.
Boromir: Hump me.
Agent Smith: You are the fellowship of the ring, hence the title of the movie "The Fellowship of the Ring."
Gandalf: Aha! You so clevah!
Agent Smith: Word, Mr. Anderson.
Gimli: Straight up, bro.
Legolas: Agent Smith in da hizzouse!
Aragorn: Fo shizzle.
Boromir: I can't remember. Was it me or Strider who was part of the fellowship?
Everyone: ...Anyway...

And so they begin their perilous journey across Middle Earth to Mordor while singing their Mordor song.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz! They're bouncy ouncy trouncy founcy fun fun fun fun fun! The wonderful wonderful wonderful thing is I'm the only one! Oh say can you see my eyes? If you can then my hair's too short! And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yooooooooooooooooooooou!"

Gandalf: Oh no! Orcs!
Frodo: My sowrd is glowing! Orcs are coming!
Gimli: Well duh, Gandalf just said that.
Sam: Mr. Frodo, try to look at your sword more often.
Legolas: Bam! Right in the eye! Bam! Right in the nose! Bam! Right in the crotch!
Big Monster: ROAR! I am ROAR! Hear me ROAR! BLOODY ROAR!

They all engage in classic Bloody Roar arcade style fighting.

Frodo: All right! My meter is full! "ROAR!" *turns into a beast*
Sam: Left, right, kick, punch, hard punch, SUPLEX!
Orc: Right, Left, jump, hard kick, SHO-RYU-KEN!
Aragorn: Wrong game, dummy.
Orc: Grabababgjakjregajksekj
Frodo: Let's finish this! SHINKU HADOUKEN!
Arcade Machine: You a winnah, HA HA HA!

Gandalf: Now that that's done, we should go.
Gimli: Good call.
Gandalf: AHH! It's a giant flame monster! I know! I'll jump into that lava pit and kill it while you guys escape! WHEEEEEEEEE!
Frodo: Sucker...he thought he could live.
Aragorn: You don't feel sad?
Frodo: NOt while Boromir is humping my leg.
Boromir: Oh baby!

Legolas: Let's take these love boats across the river.
Sam: I get to sit with Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: Go away! You're always with me! I wanna be with someone else for a change!
Gimli: I'll protect you, Frodo!

And so they all cross the river in swan boats. They end up in a giant forest, and suddenly Boromir tries to take the ring from Frodo! Luckily, Frodo whips out a condom and takes Boromir's mind off of the ring. The next morning...

Boromir: Whoa...did we just do what I think we did?
Frodo: *strokes his hair* Uh-huh *giggles*...
Boromir: Yikes...that's the last time I try to steal the ring from you.
Frodo: Good. Then let's get going.

Sam: Oh no! I see Orcs!
Frodo: My sword is glowing! Orcs are coming!
Sam: Late again, Mr. Anderson.
Agent Smith: That's my line.
Morpheus: You are the one, Neo.
Fanboy: Did someone say Neo-geo?
Neo: I love you, Trinity.
Trinity: I'm really a man.
Orcs: Let's just start fighting. Geez, you people and your Neo-Geos...

Guy: In this cornah, weighing in at a mere 275lbs! BLUE ORC!
Blue Orc: RWAR!
Guy: And in this cornah, weighing in at 2lbs! Frodo, Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Aragorn, Sam, and newcomers Pippin and Merry!
Frodo, Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Aragorn, Sam, and newcomers Pippin and Merry: RWAR!

*Mortal Kombat song plays* Frodo Kang! Samya! Legolax! Kitana! Jade! Sam Zero! And the others...!

Rocky: Yo, Adrian! This fight lacks something.
Adrian: What's that?
Rocky: The eye of the tiger!

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight!
Rising up to the challenge of our rival!
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night!
Something, something, something...

Then all the Orcs ran away, back to Pappy's Land, because you can do anything when you're in Pappay's Land.

Frodo: Why'd The others leave us, Sam?
Sam: I dunno. But this is getting lame...
Frodo: I know. Tolkien is gonna hang us for this.
Sam: Maybe we should just leave it like this before it gets any worse. When the next film comes out, then we'll continue our homosexual adventure.
Frodo: Good thinking, Sam.

And they walked into the sunset, hand in hand. THE END. 1