About Us

Serving Size 1 (4145g)
Servings Per Container 8

Amounts Per Serving %DV
Who We Are 55%
Partners in Crime 3%
Part-Timers 17%
Comrades/Contributors 24%
Social Media Vitamins %DV
YouTube 33%
Facebook 33%
Twitter 33%

* Page fact values are based on a diet of watching Can films 24 hours, 7 days a week until you're awesome.

61 72 74 68 75 72 6e 6f 6d 69 63 73

Welcome to The Can of Nothing! We make stuff in an earnest attempt to entertain you.


Just Who or What is The Can of Nothing?

Phil %LAST_NAME%

Phil MYSTERIOUS LAST NAME OOOOH

Born in Glasgow, Scotland, Phil was a child prodigy in the art of fencing. After showing an inexplicable level of grace and spunk in his crawling and rolling on the floor, he was brought before the Scottish Fencing High Council at the age of two months, and was admitted for training. His first master, Ewan McGregor, taught him the ways of the fence, the art of saber combat. They proved to be a potent duo, constantly achieving victory and glory for their plaid-happy motherland at various tournaments.

But after years under the Captain Ewan, Phil began to feel overshadowed, also tiring of the rigid structure and "no emotion" approach of Scottish Fencing. He wanted to revolutionize the sport, and thought that fencing matches should be to the death. Together with another scottish fencing veteran, Ian McDiarmid, they rampaged the world, challenging random people on streets and in airplanes, killing hundreds upon hundreds, including Alec Guinness for some reason. But in recent years, Phil has retired from manslaughter and is now a cyborg.

Send fencing and/or cyborg questions to Phil

Derek Achoy

Derek Achoy

Born in Manchester, England, Derek was the youngest of eighteen in a happy working class family. His life would change dramatically however, once his father got a job as an English teacher in Beijing, China. Over their 6 year stay, the family slowly began to resemble the Chinese themselves - their hair became darker, eyes smaller, and their complexions gained a hue of yellow. They ultimately abandoned their anglo-saxon heritage - until it came time to move again.

Derek's father got a new job, now as a Chinese teacher, in Canada. The miracle of assimilation was beheld once more, but while losing all traces of Chinese culture, they held on to their beloved asian appearance. Derek met Jackie Chan one day in Toronto, and Jackie, with his keen sense of chineseness, saw through Derek's apparent ethnicity. Jackie got mad and beat Derek up with a ladder. The movie Rush Hour was based upon this occurence.

Send fencing and/or cyborg questions to Phil

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Our Partners in Crime

Chris Almeda

The Ultraman

Zordon hired Chris to save Angelgrove, but he's been too busy co-hosting Cancasts and acting in Can films. He likes to drive his dinozord to work, and often boasts about how many cars, trucks, and "puny humans" he crushes on the way.

Jude Pinto

Jude Pinto Hero of Time

Jude was the only boy without a fairy back in Pakistan, but after having an adventure inside a tree, he found a slingshot, which is kind of like a fairy. He would be in more Can films, but is often out "hunting for more heart pieces." We like to assume that's some kind of metaphor.

Robyn Seto

The Robyx Cube

When she's not voice acting, Robyn enjoys avenging things. If you have wronged her, she shall hunt you down, screaming "Objection!" while stabbing your body parts with her Nintendo DS stylus and art pencils. Visit her deviantART gallery.

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Part-Timers

Arthur "Arthurnomics" Doroszko

The Polish Tarzan

Found in the beautiful jungles of Poland, Arthur had been raised by polish brown bears after being lost during a safari. He has settled down since moving to Canada, but still occasionally mauls people and mailboxes.

Rebecca McCarthy

The Azure

Rebecca is a shapeshifting robot war-priestess from outer space who is locked in eternal battle with the Demon Lord Grazszskz'gregory. She also enjoys voice acting. Visit her website.

Arek Parjaszewski

The Caucasian Fury

When Arek takes over the world with his new religion "Arekology", Alex vs. Arek will be played everywhere non-stop so the peasants never forget how their Divine Emperor defeated the devil incarnate and won our salvation.

Alex Pomorski

The Pain Machine

Alex likes to hurt people, and has probably caused the most injuries during film shoots. Whether it's tossing Phil off his bike, elbowing Phil in the eye, or just punching Phil in different places, it's what he lives for. But he's not racist.

Cameron Stewart

The Black

Artist, actor, juice spokesman, black man... is there anything he cannot be? Yes, a dinosaur. But he's working on that.

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Comrades/Contributors of the Past

Damian Drozdowski

The Space Princess

Damian has only been in one Can film, but his strong, yet feminine screams will be treasured by all for all time. He is now a successful erotic dance slave for fat slugs.

Dan

The Nyquil Enthusiast

Dan enjoyed interviewing Dragon Ball Z fans, asking questions such as "Luigi or Roadkill?" and "Toug14 or evilSpectra?". He now hosts a talkshow where he asks celebrities these same questions every night in-between jokes about Lindsay Lohan.

Kagome

The Poison Ivy, not a salad

Kagome was the first female cast member in a Can project. Women around the world cheered as they finally achieved the representation they fought so hard for. She is currently living happily in Alaska, possibly wearing a parka.

Majin Vejita

The Co-Creator

Yes, this is "Shrykist" from the "convo" that started it all. He looks just like this picture in real life. Unfortunately, he exploded himself when facing Majin Buu. It was tragic, but now Yamcha can go after Bulma again, until he dies too, because he sucks.

Nana-chan

The Original Female

Just like Rosa Parks, Nana proved that girls can be webmasters too. She now travels around the world, motivationally speaking to young girls about Wal Mart.

Vash

The Insanely Ownish Crazy Staffer of the Past

Vash's legacy on the site are his photos which usually involved action figures or food products. He will be missed. Vash now makes a living collecting soiled ponchos and making furniture out of them.

Filip Z.

The Walking Anti-drug

Maybe Fil doesn't belong here considering he's only been in one incomplete film and that he didn't even want to be credited or seen in it, but here he is. Where is he now? He's everywhere. Just like God, and Timbaland.

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